


I Never Wanted a Soul Mate (So Don’t Expect Me to Be Happy About It)

by OneWhoSitsWithTurtles



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: (all 3 from Brendol), (unsuccessful), 69 (Sex Position), Accidental Voyeurism, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Emotional Abuse, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Family Issues, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, Kissing, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mutual Masturbation, POV Alternating, Perfectionism, Physical Abuse, Scars, Social Anxiety, Soul Bond, Soulmates, Suicide Attempt, With A Twist
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-05
Updated: 2019-08-16
Packaged: 2020-06-10 15:35:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 18,892
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19508053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OneWhoSitsWithTurtles/pseuds/OneWhoSitsWithTurtles
Summary: For most people, being born with a soul mate mark is like winning the lottery; only 1% of the world’s population develops one. And to find your soul mate is considered a fairy tale come true.Hux doesn’t agree. The thought of being forcefully tied to someone else sounds horrible and he despises his mark from the day he’s old enough to understand it. He’s vowed to never seek out his soul mate but fate has other plans and on one benign day in his university Mythology class, Hux finds himself bound to Ben Solo.So begins Hux’s torture.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> **A/N #1** : In this AU, being soul bonded means you can sense the physical and mental state of your mate, but you cannot read minds. For example, you could tell your mate was angry but not read their thoughts to determine what had angered them.
> 
>  **A/N #2** : Regarding the "suicide attempt" tag, a specific warning will be placed at the beginning of the chapter so no one is caught by surprise.
> 
>  **A/N #3** : I wrote this story because I thought it would be fun exploring what it would be like if someone hated the idea of a soul mate. 
> 
> **A/N #4** : Chapters will be somewhat short since I've been struggling to write pretty much all of 2019 so far, but they will be posted weekly.

**[Hux]**

“Today we are going to talk about soul mates,” Professor Jones announced.

The rest of the lecture room broke out into excited whispers. Mitaka looked like he wanted to whisper as well but already knew Hux’s feelings on the subject and remained silent. Hux groaned and tapped his pen in agitation against his notebook. He couldn’t believe he was being forced to endure this. It was bad enough that he needed to take an elective and Modern Mythology was the only course that fit into his university schedule, but now this? And why did they need to spend a whole class on this topic anyway? Sure, the academic community was still researching details like factors that may increase your chance of being born with a soul mark and how the soul bonds worked. But everyone already knew the basic premise.

Hux simply could not comprehend the world’s fascination with soul mates. Those who matched became the new instant celebrities until the next match. It seemed almost ridiculously common that the mated couple would approach the news media to be paid for interviews, or the academic world to take part in studies and tests. Not to mention the lucrative book deals they would be offered to write “their fairy tale” for the general public to snatch up and devour. Society was obsessed with its happy endings and each time another soul bond was discovered it was marketed like the lottery – _someday you could be this happy!_

No thanks. The thought of being bound to a complete stranger made Hux want to hit his head against a wall. Hux wasn’t social at the best of times; why would he be happy suddenly feeling the emotions of someone he didn’t even know? Hux had determined at an early age that he would do everything possible to avoid ever finding his mate. Almost no one even knew about his soul mark because he kept his red hair long enough to cover where it marred his skin behind his right ear. And the thought of Hux scouring those online forums where people posted pictures of their marks was laughable. That just sounded like a good way to get kidnapped.

Professor Jones was talking but Hux wasn’t listening. Hux remained focused glumly on his notebook, doodling in the corner of a page to feign note taking. It really seemed like a waste of precious class time. Everyone learned the basics about soul mates as early as primary school, just on the off-chance that two students matched young. Then a more detailed review of the bonding process and after-effects was crammed in with sex-ed classes in middle school. By high school if you didn’t know everything there was to know about soul mating, it meant you were a social outcast. Now with everyone in the lecture at least twenty years old, this felt like being re-taught fractions.

_1% of the population is born with a soul mark._ Check.

_The soul mark can be located anywhere on the body and take any shape, but unlike a birth mark it will be pitch black in colour_. Check.

_Bonding occurs only with skin-to-skin contact between two individuals with matching marks_. Check.

_Bonded mates can sense the physical state – such as fatigue or sickness – and the mental state – primarily emotions – of the other, but thoughts cannot be read or projected_. _This can be heightened with experience or physical proximity._ Check and check.

_While not every soul bond leads to a sexual relationship, 88% of surveyed bonded mates confirm a romantic relationship_.

_Surveys show that 65% of bonds are heterosexual, 23% are homosexual, and 12% are platonic in nature._

_Surveyed mates report a 100% satisfaction rate with their bonded partner._

When would it end? Hux wanted to tear his hair out.

“Mr. Hux, am I boring you?” Professor Jones paused in her pacing near his row, hands on her hips.

“No, ma’am,” Hux answered quickly and sat up straight, wiping the tortured expression off his face.

She gave him a hard look for a moment and then continued her pacing. “As I was saying, I thought it would be fun to see if anyone in the class has a mark and would like to share it. No pressure of course, but I find this can really take the _myth_ out of it and show that it really can be any one of us.”

Hux noticed Mitaka glancing at him out of the corner of his eye but Hux adopted a stony silence. A few seconds passed and Hux could tell the professor was just about to move on with her lecture when someone cleared their throat. Hux’s head whipped to the side and his heart began to race when he saw who was standing up from his seat.

Ben Solo. Overly large. Impressively dull-witted. Ben was only one inch taller than Hux and yet he barely fit in his desk chair, every part of him long and broad. Ben’s black hair was curled around his ears and neck, his skin mottled with moles. He was only good at what he had been built for: football. Hux knew Ben from the other class they shared last year, Business Ethics. How Ben passed that Hux would never know. On the average day Ben was sullen at best and after getting caught up in some intense class debates, they had both made a solid effort to stay far apart.

“I have a mark,” Ben stated as he unfolded himself from his chair and stood awkwardly in the aisle. More excited whispers filled the room.

“Would you like to come to the front and describe it?” Professor Jones offered with a smile, pointing next to where she was standing.

Each step Ben took towards the front of the classroom had Hux’s anxiety mounting. He always felt this way when someone was going to show or describe their mark, whether it be online, on television, or in person. A familiar mantra started in his head.

_Please don’t match. Please don’t match. **Please** don’t match._

Ben towered over the professor and faced the classroom. After a breath of hesitation Ben pried off the black sweatband on his left wrist. “My mark is about the width of a quarter. The outline is a hexagon with a circle inside it, and sharp points inside that towards the centre.” As Ben described this he showed his inner wrist to the class where the mark was visible.

“Hey, Hux, that looks just like yours!” Mitaka whispered loudly and in an instant Hux’s world ended. Hux turned to level Mitaka with a glare that would melt steel. Mitaka paled and wilted but it was too late. Everyone was now staring at Hux, including the professor and Ben, and curious mutterings filled the room like a rising tide.

“Mr. Hux, is that true?” Professor Jones asked. Hux had never been her favourite student, likely because Hux didn’t try to hide that this was his least favourite class. But now she was smiling encouragingly, a glimmer in her eye that spoke of fanaticism. “Would you like to come up and see?”

_No_ , Hux wanted to answer but when he opened his mouth the word wouldn’t come. No, he didn’t want any of this. Slowly Hux stood from his chair, planning to turn and run for the door but his feet remained planted. Hux felt suddenly betrayed by everything he had read about soul bonds. The literature had always talked about a magnetic force drawing mates together but it had been described in a romantic, fantastical way. In reality, from the moment Hux had seen Ben’s mark it felt like gravity had shifted from the planet’s core to Ben.

Each step was halted, mentally fought, but Hux approached the front of the room all the same. Ben was watching him closely, a look of trepidation and disbelief on his face. Before Hux was ready he was standing directly in front of Ben, the room around them fading into the background. As if he was following a pre-destined script, Hux tilted his face to the side and swept his hair back with a trembling hand, putting his mark on display for Ben’s eyes only, which widened with recognition.

Hux saw Ben’s fingers slowly stretching towards him but he didn’t pull back, even though Hux’s heart was racing. And as he felt Ben’s fingertips brush against his mark, Hux’s vision went black and he fainted.

#

**[Ben]**

Ben woke up staring at a white ceiling he didn’t recognize. He groaned and covered his eyes with a hand, his vision spinning and his head pounding. In the distance he heard fingers typing away on a keyboard, someone nearby cough, and farther away the distant drone of students chatting as they walked down a hallway. After a minute Ben opened his eyes again and looked around when his vision cleared. He realized he was in the school’s nursing room and that’s when everything came back to him.

He was soul bonded to Armitage fucking Hux.

The thought alone made him groan again and roll over, wanting to ignore the world for as long as possible. Except that was a terrible decision because Ben saw that the second bed on the other side of the tiny room was occupied by none other than Hux himself. Hux was still unconscious, breathing shallow and skin overly pale. His red hair was rumpled, as was his jacket and shirt, and Ben stole a tired laugh at the thought of how annoyed Hux would be when he woke up and discovered this.

Ben didn’t know a lot about Hux but what he _did_ know was that Hux was an arrogant and meticulous asshole. His clothes were always designer and unwrinkled, his hair swept back in such a precise way Ben could imagine him in the bathroom mirror with the gel each morning. Ben also knew Hux thought he was an idiot, judging by how Hux had talked down to him last year when they ended up on opposite sides of multiple in-class debates. Hux was handsome, sure, but high maintenance and too serious all the time.

How in the hell was he Ben’s mate?

Ben had always harboured a secret dream of meeting his soul mate one day and becoming bonded. Call it an idealist’s fantasy but the stories he read always made mates sound so happy and stable. Being at home as an only child, trying to not hear the way his parents bickered and ignore the months his father would leave town for work, Ben hadn’t known _stable_. Let alone _happy_ or even _loving_. He daydreamed about meeting his mate – someone who would support and understand him no matter what – and being able to live a life with them away from his dysfunctional family.

And in the end Ben had gotten stuck with Hux. Just perfect.

Ben hadn’t realized he had been staring at Hux until the redhead began to stir. Quickly Ben rolled onto his back and closed his eyes, hoping that Hux would simply run out of the room and never reappear in his life. Instead Hux merely groaned and rubbed at his forehead, so similar to Ben’s own waking. As Hux regained consciousness Ben became aware of their bond for the first time, feeling it vibrate invisibly between them. Ben felt the pain of Hux’s headache first, doubling the pain of his own, and then sensed a simmering dread.

Ben could sympathize with that, at least. Sensing the emotions of a near-stranger was disorienting to begin with and knowing they were the emotions of Hux – as close to Ben’s enemy as you could get in modern day student life – just made Ben want to block it out instead of learn to harness it.

“Could you sulk a little quieter, please?” Hux snapped.

“Speak for yourself,” Ben shot back, already agitated and riled further by Hux’s mounting annoyance.

“Listen—” Hux began but was cut off when the door opened and one of the university’s nurses walked into the room.

She was smiling brightly, clearly excited about the situation and not picking up at all on the tension hanging heavy in the air. “I’m glad to see you both awake.” Her voice was bubbly and Ben wished he could go back to being unconscious. “I’m sure you’re very eager to get to know one another but I wanted to let you know you’re free to leave once you feel able. We’ve informed your respective families about the situation but your classmates have all been required to sign a privacy agreement. No one can approach the media except the two of you, if you wish to do so.”

By now Ben had sat up on the edge of his bed and Hux was doing the same. The nurse took this as acceptance and shoved a pamphlet into each of their hands. “There’s a Soul Study Lab on campus who you can contact if you have any questions or concerns. Let me know if you need anything else!” she added and then walked back out of the room, closing the door behind her.

Ben felt immediate relief at her departure and Hux snorted quietly, likely picking up on Ben’s mood. Disconcerted at how easily Hux seemed to be sensing his emotions, Ben tried to block everything out and looked down at the pamphlet. It was filled with frequently asked questions about new bonds, and included a contact phone number and email in case newly-bonded mates needed help adjusting.

He was distracted from his reading by a slowly but steadily mounting swell of anxiety coming from Hux. “What’s wrong with you?” he asked as he looked up.

Hux glared at him. “Everything, at this point. I know you’re unimpressed with having me as a mate and I assure you the feeling is reciprocated. But you seemed to at least _want_ to find your mate, showing off your mark the way you did. But I didn’t want any part of this!” Hux’s hands were balled into fists, crumpling his copy of the pamphlet. “And now I’m going to have to explain this to my father and that’s just…” Hux looked away and trailed off, though his anxiety didn’t abate. “It’s not what I need right now, okay?”

Hux’s words turned Ben’s thoughts to his own family. Fuck, that was not a conversation he wanted to have. “My family isn’t exactly going to jump for joy either,” Ben pointed out, tired of Hux doing all the sulking. “Especially when they find out I’m mated to an asshole like you.”

He saw the tick when Hux’s jaw clenched. “Well I’m so sorry to disappoint,” he spat venomously. “If there’s some alternate reality out there, please consider restraining your whimsical daydreams and keep your mark to your fucking self. For now, I’m leaving,” Hux announced as he stood up. The pamphlet was still clutched in his hand.

“Wait, shouldn’t I get your number?” Ben stood as well.

Hux spun on his heel and somehow managed to look even angrier. “I’m not going on a date with you just because we’re mated. I don’t want anything to do with you!”

Despite himself, Ben felt stung by the intensity of Hux’s hatred. It was just another reminder that Ben’s hope to one day find his soul mate really had been foolhardy. “I wasn’t going to take you on a date, you conceited piece of shit,” Ben huffed. “I was going to suggest we find a time to go to this study lab and ask how to we can block each other out.”

Hux hesitated, looking slightly surprised. “That’s actually a really good idea.”

Ben frowned. “I’m not as stupid as you think I am.”

Hux hummed and then pulled out his phone to unlock and hand over to Ben, who did the same. Ben inputted his name and phone number into the Contacts app and then returned the phone, claiming his own afterwards. On screen he saw Hux’s name, phone number and email. “Now can I please leave?” Hux pocketed his phone and asked, sounding worn out.

Ben nodded and followed Hux out of the room. They both had to sign out with the nurse and then walked out of the building, heading across campus. Hux walked faster, whether by habit or simply to outpace his mate, Ben didn’t know. He remained a few steps behind Hux, lost in his own thoughts until Hux suddenly stopped walking and Ben nearly walked right into him. When Ben refocused he saw Hux was glaring at him again.

“Why are you following me?” Hux accused.

“I’m not following you!” Ben told him, completely fed up with Hux’s attitude. “We live in the residence buildings next to each other. If it bothers you so much you can take the long way home.”

Hux pursed his lips and said nothing else as he resumed walking, this time at an even faster gait. Ben intentionally slowed down his steps, allowing Hux to put more distance between them. At last they reached the area where the sidewalk split into three different directions, one path leading to each of the residence buildings tucked together on this side of campus. Ben had seen Hux walking to or from his residence building next door many times, though clearly Hux hadn’t noticed him in return. The thought just left Ben feeling depressed as he veered off onto his own sidewalk and didn’t look back over his shoulder in Hux’s direction.


	2. Chapter 2

**[Hux]**

By the time Hux made it back into his residence room and changed into more comfortable clothes, a voicemail from his father was waiting. Hux had heard his phone ringing but hadn’t worked up the guts to answer it before the call terminated. Now Hux forced himself to sit at his desk, back straight, and select his father’s number from the contact list.

Brendol answered before the second ring. “I’ve been told the news.”

“Yes, I—” Hux didn’t know what to say, trying to gauge his father’s mood. “It wasn’t planned.”

“Would you like to explain why you matched with a _man_?” Brendol sneered through the phone.

Hux swallowed hard, his heart clenching with fear. He had never told his father his preference for men, having heard Brendol talk about “suitable heirs to the family name” enough times to know he wouldn’t be accepted. “You know I have no control over who my mate is.” Hux tried to sound aggrieved rather than defensive and didn’t know if he had succeeded. “It’s not as if I like him, or any of this for that matter.”

Brendol hummed through the phone, clearly unconvinced. “Well, at least there is some silver lining from all of this.”

Hux perked up. “There is?”

“Yes. I did some research and this Ben Solo’s birth name is actually Ben _Organa_ -Solo,” Brendol explained. Hux tried to remember why the name Organa sounded familiar. “He’s the only son of Leia Organa-Solo, that woman running for mayor.” Well that would explain why Ben didn’t like his full name known. “Everyone expects her to win so being in her good graces through her son could be very beneficial for us. Do you understand what I’m telling you, boy?”

“Yes, father,” Hux said.

“I don’t want to see a single article about your bond in those trashy magazines but privately you should do what is necessary to make the bond work,” Brendol told him. “This alliance could be very good for the family business.”

Hux wondered with silent disgust what _exactly_ Brendol thought Hux should be doing to make the bond work but he didn’t ask. “I will, father,” he said instead, and then sighed in relief when Brendol disconnected the call.

All Hux wanted to do was nap but it was only 2pm and he had two midterms at the end of the week he had to study for. Hux spent the afternoon at his desk, trying with limited success to focus on his study notes. Through the bond Hux was picking up on the whirlwind of frustration, embarrassment and despair Ben was experiencing. Hux wanted to text Ben and tell him to stop _feeling_ so strongly but refrained, guessing that Ben was likely having his own difficult conversation with his family about the situation.

By dinnertime Ben’s mood had settled into a steady sulk which was annoying but easier to ignore than his more volatile emotions from earlier. At last Hux was able to make some progress on his studying, pausing only briefly for a microwave dinner to avoid interrupting his rhythm. Hux lost track of time, the sun setting through his window and forcing Hux to turn on his desk lamp.

For a few hours Hux was blissfully single-minded, able to ignore the bond in the back of his mind. But then near 10pm Hux noticed a disorienting haze drifting through the bond. Hux tapped his pen against his notebook and sat back for a moment, trying to discern what was causing the haze from Ben. Despite his curiosity Hux couldn’t figure it out, still so new to the whole experience, and brushed it aside.

However, he was unable to ignore his mate’s mind an hour later when the haze intensified and became laced with excitement. Aggravated now and needing an answer, Hux grabbed his phone and selected Ben’s number.

_What are you doing?_ He texted.

A response came surprisingly quickly. _Wtf do you care?_

Hux sought patience. _You feel hazy and excited and it’s very distracting._

_We’re at a club_ , Ben answered.

Hux quickly connected the hazy feeling to a state of drunkenness and sighed. _On a Tuesday?_

_I had a shitty day._

_Well so did I and I need to study for midterms._

_Not my problem_.

Hux wanted to murder him in that moment. _Couldn’t you at least try to restrain yourself a little so I can focus?_

_How about you learn to have some fun?_ Ben countered.

_I know how to have fun!_ Hux shot back immediately and then waited for a response that didn’t come.

Miffed at being ignored, Hux threw his phone onto his bed and got back to work, pointedly tuning out Ben’s haze, irritation and excitement. Two hours later Hux finally gave up, knowing he had to be up for a 9am class the next morning. Thankfully Ben was so drunk at that point, the bond was nothing but haze and Hux was able to drift into sleep without any difficulty.

The problem came when Hux woke up in bed in the middle of the night. He was breathing hard, his skin was flushed, and an erection was straining in his briefs. Hux glanced at the clock and groaned: 2:13am. Hux rolled onto his side and tried to ignore the waves of arousal coursing through the bond, rocking against him like Ben truly had him pinned to the bed, ass full. He was embarrassed at feeling Ben when he was clearly having sex, and also quietly wounded that Ben had taken someone to bed the same day he became bonded to Hux.

In the end it didn’t matter what Hux was feeling; everything was overridden by Ben’s arousal. Like a man starved Hux tugged down his underwear and took himself in hand. Hux jerked himself roughly, squeezing at the leaking head of his cock to make his pleasure mount. He was already so close that it only took a minute before Hux cried out weakly against his pillow and came into his palm, hips thrusting forward with instinctive spasms. Instantly another rush of pleasure crashed over his head when Ben orgasmed in his wake.

As Hux recovered, a heavy sense of mortification settled over him and an echo of the same feeling came from Ben. Hux wondered if his orgasm had been what tipped Ben over the edge and then decided he didn’t want to know. Instead he grabbed tissues from his bedside table to wipe himself clean and then picked up his phone.

_We need to go to that lab ASAP._

_Agreed!_ Came Ben’s near-instant reply.

#

**[Ben]**

Ben shuffled his feet, eyes on the sidewalk as he waited outside for Hux. Oh god, he didn’t want to see Hux, not after what happened Tuesday night. In his drunken haze Ben had brought a sophomore boy back to his residence room and fucked him on his hands and knees, head down, lights off. The sex had been mediocre, though Ben wasn’t sure whether that was because the blond boy was too pliant or because Ben felt guilty about sleeping with someone other than his bonded.

Not that he would ever sleep with Hux. Or so Ben thought. Ben had been fucking the sophomore for a few solid minutes, trying without success to get the pleasure to build enough to find orgasm. Suddenly he felt a new flash of arousal, not from his bedmate but from his mate located in a different building. Ben couldn’t see what Hux was doing but he could feel the spikes of pleasure and Ben thrust into the nameless boy below him harder, a groan escaping him at last. In the darkness Ben almost forgot it wasn’t Hux below him, jerking off while Ben thrust into his ass.

The moment Hux finished it swept through the bond like wildfire and Ben came into the condom. He had barely noticed his bedmate had already finished himself off with his hand. Ben pulled out and tied off the condom, grunting in reply when the sophomore said thanks and started dressing to leave. Instead Ben had fumbled for his phone and replied to Hux’s message because there was no way Ben could live the rest of his life like this.

Logically Ben knew it had been a physiological response that couldn’t be controlled. The same way Hux had become aroused feeling Ben, it made sense that Ben had climaxed when he felt Hux do the same. But _still_ , how was he supposed to look Hux in the eye knowing what they had unintentionally shared and not want to crawl into a corner to die? Ben had done his best to not think too hard about anything for the next few days and avoided porn and his hand like the plague.

Someone cleared their throat and Ben looked up quickly. Hux was standing in front of him, hands shoved in the pockets of his coat. Hux’s cheeks were pink but that could’ve been from the cool autumn air. “Hey,” Ben greeted awkwardly, toeing a loose stone with his shoe.

“Hey,” Hux returned. “Sorry we couldn’t do this before today. I had—”

“Midterms, I know,” Ben finished for him. He had felt Hux’s anxiety on Thursday and Friday when he wrote the tests and his relieved satisfaction after they were done. Now it was Saturday and Ben didn’t want to delay any longer. “Shall we go in?”

Hux nodded in agreement and together they walked into the university building listed on the pamphlet the nurse had given them. Hux had called in advance to book an appointment and then texted Ben the details. Ben had no idea how long this would take or what to expect but he was determined to leave with some sort of solution to their problem. Hux signed them both into the appointment book with the receptionist and then they sat side by side in the waiting room.

Ben was surprised by how many chairs there were. “I didn’t think they’d see this many people.”

“This is a prestigious university,” Hux reminded him. “And campus is located near the downtown core. I’m sure they see many people who aren’t students here.”

“That’s true,” Ben said and then they fell into an uncomfortable silence. “Um, so how did they go?” Hux looked over at him in confusion. “Your midterms,” Ben clarified.

“Oh.” Hux drummed his fingers against his messenger bag in his lap. “I know I did well in Business Leadership but I’m less certain about Motivation and Cooperation in HR.”

Ben could feel Hux’s anxiety re-emerging and tried to change the topic. “So you’re interested in business?”

That anxiety morphed into dread. “I’ll be going into the family business.” Hux didn’t elaborate.

Ben didn’t know what to say next and they fell back into silence. He was relieved when a middle-aged woman with dark hair tied up in a bun introduced herself as Dr. Amelia Baker and waved them down the hall. They were led into a small office, Ben and Hux seated on one side of the desk and Dr. Baker on the other. Behind her there was a wall of windows overlooking the university campus, quiet now that it was the weekend.

“Thank you for contacting us,” she began, sounding welcoming but thankfully not as overly-eager as the nurse had been on Tuesday. “We are always happy to meet new soul mates, especially students of our own. The last student we had was six years ago but she bonded with a woman in the community. We do run a study lab as you know, but we also provide resources and guidance so how can I help you today?”

“We need to learn how to block out the bond or at least muffle it,” Hux said.

Ben saw Dr. Baker frown in confusion and remembered that most people in the world thought having a soul mate was the ultimate dream come true. Would she refuse to help if Hux and Ben explicitly went against that notion? “We’re finding it very distracting,” Ben added quickly. “Like when we’re studying for exams or doing things privately.” Ben shifted slightly in his chair and Hux subtly did the same, the memory of Tuesday night hanging between them.

“Hm, I understand,” Dr. Baker leaned back in her chair, gaze jumping between them. “Many soul mates enjoy the bond and how easy it makes it to learn about their mate and grow closer. But I do know some people are more private and that this can be a big adjustment.” Her eyes rested on Hux when she said this. “As far as we know a bond cannot be fully severed unless death occurs, but there are methods of distracting your awareness and reducing how much is transferred through the bond.”

“Could you teach those to us?” Hux asked for them both.

“Yes, of course. I can teach you the temporary solutions today and you can continue practicing them on your own time.” Dr. Baker looked to Ben this time. “But please understand that the only long term solution is to accept the bond and practice with it. With experience comes control.” She seemed so nice and Ben didn’t want to shatter her hope for them by stating acceptance would never happen between them, so he nodded.

She smiled, appeased, and continued speaking. “The best strategy to use right now is meditation. There is also the strategy of distracting your thinking but when you’re trying to focus on school and tests I know that isn’t viable. The stronger the emotion, the clearer it is to your mate. Doing some mediation to quiet your mind will calm your emotions, making it less obtrusive and obvious to your mate.”

After providing the explanation she talked them through the process. It appeared similar to the ‘mindfulness’ techniques Ben had researched in the past to help with his anger. As they both slowed their breathing and listened to the instructions, Ben felt his mind go quiet. He could still sense the bond at the base of his skull like a constant, steady hum, but he could barely register any specific emotions coming from Hux. It wasn’t a technique they could use every minute of the day, but doing it when they were feeling strongly about something could definitely help.

“Is that better?” she questioned aloud after a minute of silence.

Ben blinked his eyes open and glanced over, studying Hux’s relaxed expression. “Yes, much better,” Ben answered.

“Excellent,” the doctor smiled. “Is there anything else I can help with right now? You can always make another appointment, of course. Everything we talk about will be confidential.”

“I think we’re good for now,” Hux said politely. “And we appreciate the help.”

“Anytime.” Dr. Baker reached forward and shook Hux’s hand across the desk, and then Ben’s. “Also, a tip for when you’re working on getting acquainted with your bond is to check in with your mate often. Everyone feels and senses emotions and physical states differently. There’s nothing wrong with asking your mate what they’re feeling so that in future you can identify it through familiarity. Soon it will become second nature. I’m very happy for you both.”

Instead of scoff at her well wishes, Ben said “thank you” and nudged Hux out the door. When they were back outside on the sidewalk they stopped and looked at each other. “What do you think?” Ben wondered.

“I think it’s a start,” Hux said and crossed his arms. “I just wish everyone would stop telling me how _happy_ they are for me, or how _jealous_ they are. This is a nightmare.”

Ben shoved his hands in his pockets. So far, finding his soul mate was the disappointment of the century. “By the way, tomorrow afternoon I have a football game.”

Hux raised an eyebrow. “Are you asking me to come watch you play football?”

“What? No!” Ben frowned, and looked down at his shoes. “But if I get tackled or something it’s going to hurt and you’re going to feel it so I thought a heads-up was polite.”

“Oh,” Hux said, now rubbing the back of his neck and looking uncomfortable. “Right, thanks.” They lapsed into silence and when Hux said nothing else, Ben turned on his heel to walk away. He was stopped when Hux grabbed his elbow. “And thanks for, you know,” Hux took a deep breath, “being reasonable about this mess. I just never wanted this and it’s a big adjustment.”

Ben thought it would be rude saying he _had_ wanted this, just not with Hux, so instead he said, “Well we’re stuck with each other, right? So we’ll make it work.”

“Right,” Hux agreed and pulled his hand away. “I guess I’ll see you in class on Tuesday?”

“As usual,” Ben said and, after a breath of hesitation, forced himself to walk away down the sidewalk. He was surprised to realize that he wasn’t eager to get away from Hux the way he usually was. Everything felt more personal between them now, especially after Tuesday night and going to seek advice together like a couple. Ben acknowledged that maybe Hux wasn’t always an asshole like he was in class, but he also didn’t want to get his hopes up. For now Ben would practice his meditation and handle things as they came.


	3. Chapter 3

**[Hux]**

“I can’t believe you’re making me do this,” Hux grumbled but kept pace with his best friend’s long strides.

“You know, I feel bad for Ben,” Phasma stated as they reached the stands of the university’s football field and started to climb. “He got a real grouch for a mate.”

“Excuse me?” Hux gaped at her. “You should feel sorry for _me_. He at least wanted to find his mate. I didn’t.” When he said this Hux looked back over his shoulder to glare at Mitaka, who gulped and hung his head. Someday Hux would forgive Mitaka, but he wasn’t there yet.

“I doubt he would’ve wanted to find his mate if he knew it was you,” Phasma told him. Hux felt his stomach knot up; the words had hurt. Phasma could tell she had said too much and grabbed Hux’s arm, pulling him down to sit on the bleachers beside her while Mitaka shuffled past to sit on her other side. “I’m sorry, Hux. I shouldn’t have said that. I know this isn’t what you wanted to happen. But it did, so why not try to make the best of it?”

“How?” Hux tried to sound angry but his stomach was still churning with pain from Phasma’s earlier words. “I don’t even like him.”

“You don’t have to date him,” Phasma reminded him. “Though don’t for a second try to lie and say you don’t find him attractive because I remember when you got drunk last year and told me he was hot.”

Hux blushed and crossed his arms. “Looks aren’t the only thing that’s important. He’s a dumb jock and we have nothing in common.”

Phasma levelled him with a hard look. “If you stopped being so difficult you’d realize how stupid _you_ sound. You barely know a thing about him. And if he debated with you as intensely as you described last year, he’s smart enough to keep up with you.” Hux had opened his mouth to continue his argument but the words died on his tongue. He hadn’t thought about that before. Phasma pressed her advantage. “All I’m saying is you could stop being so antagonistic and try to be friends.”

“So that’s why we’re here?” Hux asked.

“Yes,” Phasma said with exasperation. “Plus I wanted to see the game with my friends so try to have a good time and stop scaring Mitaka.”

It was still a few minutes before the teams came onto the field and Phasma turned to say something to Mitaka. Feeling self-conscious, Hux pulled out his phone and selected the text conversation with Ben. Biting his bottom lip, Hux sent a quick message. _Good luck. Don’t break any bones._

Hux wasn’t expecting a reply considering how close it was to game time but then the little icon popped up showing that Ben was typing a reply. Feeling suddenly nervous, Hux tilted his phone’s screen away from Phasma in case she tried to peek over his shoulder.

_Worried about me?_

_No_ , Hux sent quickly, and then followed up with a second message. _I just don’t want to feel it._

_Figures,_ came Ben’s reply. Hux silently chided himself; was it so hard for him to be friendly? Hux hadn’t wanted any of this but it wasn’t exactly fair for him to take it out on Ben. Another message from Ben arrived. _You watching the game?_

Hux debated about lying but decided against it. _Yes._

_Why?_

_Should I leave?_ Hux texted back, experiencing that same sick feeling from earlier when Phasma said Ben wouldn’t have wanted to find his mate if he had known it was going to be Hux he would end up with.

_No, just…_ Ben sent and then the messaging icon hovered on Hux’s screen, indicating that Ben must be typing a long message. Hux’s anxiety built. _Fuck, game’s starting. Nvm text later_.

Hux put his phone away, not knowing what he was feeling. It was some blend of nerves and excitement and dread and it made him want to lean over the bleachers and puke. This was why he didn’t want to find his mate. It was hard enough managing his own emotions and sanity; now he suddenly had the emotions and sanity of his mate to worry about too. About to feel overwhelmed, Hux closed his eyes and tried the meditation technique they had been taught the day before, clearing his mind.

It worked until horns started to blare and the crowd cheered as the university’s team raced out onto the field. The same thing happened on the opposite side of the field where the competing team’s audience watched their team arrive and square off. Among the players Hux was able to pick out Ben in his uniform and spent a good portion of the game watching him specifically.

It was easy to get swept up in the excitement of the crowd, especially when their team started winning. Hux barely knew enough about football to know what was happening until the announcer called out updates. But he _did_ feel a private flare of pride the two times Ben scored a touchdown and brought their team closer to victory. Hux did feel an echo of the aches Ben endured when he rolled or got tackled but there were no serious injuries and at the end both teams walked across the field to shake hands even though Ben’s team won.

“There, wasn’t that fun?” Phasma asked him as they stood waiting to leave the bleachers along with everyone else.

“It was okay,” Hux said nonchalantly. “It was kind of loud.”

“You’re impossible,” Phasma nudged him with a laugh. “Let’s go get drinks. First round is on me.”

#

**[Ben]**

Ben sat in his room staring at his phone screen. Specifically, he kept reading and rereading the message he had been typing to Hux but hadn’t had time to finish before the football game started earlier that day.

_You didn’t seem interested so I didn’t expect you to show up. But it’s nice that you came. Maybe after that game we could get drinks and_

That was when his coach had yelled at him to put away his phone and “get his head in the game”. Ben couldn’t decide if he should send it to Hux or not. It seemed like Hux was trying to be a little more open about their bond, or at least less negative about it. And though Ben doubted Hux had meant for it to happen, Ben had felt his mate’s pride each time Ben scored points for the team. It had been… surprisingly uplifting having someone cheering specifically for him. It almost felt like what Ben had daydreamed having a soul mate would be like.

But that brought them into dangerous territory because Hux had made it clear on multiple occasions that he hadn’t wanted to find his soul mate, and hadn’t changed his mind after the fact. Ben didn’t want to come across as pathetic or needy, trying to make the bond work like some lovesick kid with his first crush. It was better to keep things casual and not be overbearing. Maybe with time Hux would warm up to the idea of giving things a chance and they could try becoming friends.

Ben was still debating about if he should at least send part of his message, wondering if Hux was waiting to hear from him since Ben said he would text after the game. But before Ben could make a final decision his phone screen was overtaken by an incoming call. Seeing the caller ID, Ben groaned but accepted the call.

“Hi, mom.”

“Hi Ben,” Leia greeted cheerfully. “Your dad is on the other line.”

“Hi Benny boy,” Han chimed in with his gruff twang. “How’d the game go?”

“We won,” Ben told him, following the lines of their familiar script. “How’s work?”

“Oh, you know,” Han said nonchalantly. Ben grunted in acknowledgement. There was an awkward pause. “Well, I’ll let you talk to your mom.” Obligation completed, the second line clicked off.

Leia picked up where her husband had left off. “Sorry I didn’t call sooner. I meant to call as soon as I heard the news about your bonding but you know how busy things get when I’m ramping up a new campaign.”

“I know, mom. It’s okay,” Ben said, still reading the lines of his pre-designated script.

“So… what’s he like? The name sounded familiar. Is he related to that Brendol Hux in charge of Hux Industries?” Leia peppered him with questions.

“Uh… I guess so.” Truthfully Ben didn’t know, though it would explain why Hux always seemed very well dressed and was living in the most expensive residence building on campus. “We don’t really know each other that well. We’ve only had two classes together.”

“That will change,” Leia told him. Ben was surprised that Leia didn’t seem overly distressed by her only son bonding to another man, and a stranger at that. Either Leia had always suspected Ben’s sexual preferences – which was too embarrassing a thought to dwell on – or her mind was still primarily on her campaign. “I just hope he doesn’t turn out to be like his father.”

“What’s wrong with his father?” Ben asked, curious despite himself.

Leia hummed in thought through the phone. “I met him once during my last campaign. He was trying to weasel his way into the good graces of whichever politician won to earn some business contracts. If I remember right, Hux Industries is involved in construction for defense infrastructure. Though, if you ask me, the company's proposals were a little excessive. Very militarized perspective. And Brendol seemed very pushy and condescending; never satisfied.”

Ben’s heart sank, worried his mate would turn out to be exactly the same as his father. What would Ben’s life be like if he was bonded to a man like that? He didn’t say any of this aloud to his mother though, not wanting her to worry. It’s not like they could take back the bonding process. “I guess I’ll have to see,” he gave a noncommittal answer.

“Yes, well let me know if you need anything, alright?” Leia said. She sounded distracted now though and Ben thought he heard the bustle of an office being set up in the background.

“I will,” Ben lied. “I should go.”

“Alright, we love you,” Leia said and then ended the call.

Ben dropped his phone on the bed and lay down with a sigh. The more he thought about how his mother described Brendol Hux, the more despondent Ben felt about his new soul mate. Hux _was_ arrogant and never seemed satisfied by anything or anyone. Was that who he was, or was it a result of growing up with a father like that? Was there a difference? Or was Ben just setting himself up for disappointment by hoping Hux was more than his cold exterior?

The vibration of his phone caught Ben’s attention and he unlocked the screen.

_What’s going on?_

Ben frowned in confusion and texted Hux back. _What do you mean?_

_I don’t know_. Hux admitted, which surprised Ben slightly. _I’m getting emotional whiplash over here and I’m trying to study._

Ben rolled his eyes and set his phone down, deciding not to respond. This is what he got for hoping, even for a second, that maybe Hux was texting him out of concern. Of course he was only texting to complain about his precious study time getting interrupted. Ben couldn’t feel any of Hux’s emotions strongly enough to identify them other than frustration. Well if Ben was causing Hux so much distress then he would try to meditate and close himself off as much as possible. Hux would probably thank him for withdrawing, if he bothered taking the time to feel grateful at all.

He figured that would be the end of it but a few minutes later Ben felt his phone vibrate again. With a burst of anger Ben sat up and grabbed his phone, ready to tell Hux to lay off and that Ben was doing his best. Then he read Hux’s text and didn’t know what to say.

_Would you like to study together?_

Ben deleted three attempts at his response before sending the fourth one. _We only have one class together._

_I mean that we could have designated study times so we don’t distract each other._

_Do you care about anything other than studying?_ Ben texted with aggravation. With his lingering irritation he added, _Besides, I know you think I’m stupid so what’s the point?_

Ben had to wait three minutes for a response but the icon was on his screen showing Hux was working on his message for that entire length of time. _My friend reminded me I don’t know much about you, and she’s right_. Ben’s eyebrows rose. Ben didn’t think he had ever heard Hux admit he was wrong before. _Look, I’m trying to compromise here._

_Alright, let’s do it_ , Ben sent back. He still didn’t know how to read Hux despite their bond, but he had to acknowledge the fact that Hux did seem to be trying to find some middle ground and make things work. _Now though? Just got off the phone with my parents._

Finally Ben felt a clear emotion from Hux and it was a pang of sympathy. It made Ben wonder more about Hux’s relationship with his family, and want to learn more about who Hux was as a person. _How about after dinner? I only need an hour. Quiz tomorrow._

_I have to write a mini essay anyway so that works_ , Ben texted back and then paused, feeling shy at the thought he suddenly had. Hesitantly Ben sent the suggestion, _Library?_

They didn’t have to be in the same room to study and Hux hadn’t suggested it. Still, Ben stared at his phone screen anxiously until the ‘typing’ icon popped up. Then he released a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding when Hux’s message showed up.

_Okay._


	4. Chapter 4

**[Hux]**

This had been a terrible idea. Hux once again forced his drifting gaze back to his notebook and away from Ben’s face. They were seated opposite each other in study carrels, Ben typing away on his laptop while Hux was supposed to be reading over his study notes and memorizing facts. Instead he kept glancing up and studying Ben’s face, curious about the emotional roller coaster he had felt Ben go through a few hours earlier but too nervous to ask.

They had been at the library for over an hour and it was starting to get late. Hux knew the material for his quiz the next day but worried he wasn’t confident enough to get a perfect mark. Ben was still working on his essay so Hux forced himself to read through his notes again, closing his eyes to hide the answers and silently reciting them in his head. When he couldn’t see Ben it was easier to focus, and it also helped that Ben’s mind was buzzing with single-minded determination that motivated Hux to concentrate and try harder.

Once Hux was certain he had the material memorized he opened his eyes again and let his gaze drift over to Ben, though Hux made sure to use the meditation technique to keep his emotions as calm and unreadable as possible. Hux had taken Phasma’s words to heart and he really wanted to give Ben a chance instead of judging him based on Hux’s initial perceptions about him. Tonight was proof that Ben wasn’t just a partying, dumb jock, but was actually dedicated to his studies when he sat down and focused.

Maybe they could make this bond work after all. It still seemed so complicated and new, and Hux felt incredibly daunted when he remembered this was a lifelong situation. What would Hux do when Ben fell in love with someone, got married, had kids, moved away, moved _on_? How would Hux feel, alone at a desk his father had practically chained him to, experiencing everything life had to offer through someone else, knowing it had never been for him?

Hux mentally scolded himself and shoved the thought aside. There would be plenty of time to deal with that when he had to, and he didn’t want Ben picking up on his melancholy and asking what was wrong. Because there was a tiny part of Hux that wanted to tell Ben everything, to let himself believe that having a soul mate truly meant Ben would support him and be patient with him the way the stories described.

No, that wasn’t fair to Ben. Hux was a mess and it wasn’t Ben’s obligation to pick up the pieces just because they were now bonded. But they were making a good attempt at being study partners and maybe someday with enough time they could be friends.

“Done!” Ben whispered loudly and sat back in his chair. Hux could feel a firework of accomplishment burst inside Ben and it made him smile. Ben looked up and caught him smiling but before Hux could react, Ben smiled too and then ran his fingers through his hair. “Are you done too?” Hux nodded and tilted his head towards the door. Together they packed up their belongings and walked out of the library, beginning the five minute walk back to their residences. “I don’t think I’ve ever written an essay that quickly before. This study buddy idea was good. I can leech off your mindset,” Ben said with a laugh.

“I’m glad there’s some sort of silver lining,” Hux said with a chuckle and kicked a pebble down the sidewalk.

“Hey, Hux?” Their eyes met for a moment before Ben looked back down at his feet. “I wanted to say thanks for coming to the game. It was nice.”

Hux was glad it was dark so Ben couldn’t see his blush. “You should thank my friend Phasma. She made me go.”

“Is she the one I also have to thank for getting you to give me a chance to prove that I’m not an idiot?” Ben asked.

Hux was equally surprised and relieved that Ben sounded lighthearted rather than angry. “Yeah, that’s her,” Hux smiled.

“I feel like I should meet this woman,” Ben proclaimed. Hux assumed it was because Ben had finished his essay but he seemed to be in a very good mood. “Maybe sometime we should all get drinks; you, me and our friends. Get to know each other better.”

Hux clutched nervously at the strap of his messenger bag. What a terrible thought. What if he made a fool out of himself? What if Ben’s friends hated him? – Which they had every right to do considering how bad of a match Hux was for Ben. Most people already disliked Hux because of his last name or his money. He didn’t need more people pointing out his flaws to Ben if he wasn’t already aware of them.

“Let’s take things slow,” Hux suggested carefully. The idea of giving Ben a chance and slowly opening up to him was scary enough; forget Ben’s friends. “I don’t have many friends and I’m not really good at all this,” he confessed.

Ben frowned but didn’t push the issue. “Alright. What did you have in mind?”

Hux felt instant relief, and gratitude, that Ben wasn’t going to force anything. “Can we just keep doing this, for now?”

“Studying together, you mean?” Ben asked him.

“Yeah, and the meditation,” Hux said.

“Hux, you’re really smart. How much studying can you possibly do?” Ben wondered aloud.

Caught off guard by the compliment, Hux cleared his throat. “There are essays and projects and readings to do as well,” he defended himself. Hux didn’t want to get into the details of why he was so invested in his studies; how familiar he was with the bite of a belt when his grades slipped.

“Fine, fine.” Ben raised his hands in surrender. Hux exhaled a silent sigh of relief and looked ahead to where the sidewalk split into different routes. He was just about to say goodnight and head towards his building when Ben’s words caught his attention. “On one condition.”

Hux stopped walking entirely and Ben stopped in front of him. “What condition?”

“I will let you schedule study sessions for us and we’ll keep up with the meditation only if you agree to go get drinks with me some time,” Ben declared. “It can just be us and somewhere quieter than the campus pub, of course.”

Hux balked. “Ben, I thought it was clear that we aren’t dating.”

Ben pursed his lips. “I know that. But I realized that I don’t know much about you either and what I thought I did know might be entirely wrong.” They were staring at one another but Hux’s brain was short-circuiting, trying to figure out how to react and what to say in response to Ben’s unexpected words. He took too long so Ben spoke up again. “I don’t want us to be miserable the rest of our lives because of this bond.”

“I don’t either,” Hux agreed.

“So let’s go for drinks sometime and learn what makes each other tick, okay?” Ben scuffed the toe of his shoe against the ground. Hux could feel Ben’s nerves but he appreciated Ben’s effort and determination.

“I guess that’s acceptable,” he said at last.

Ben snorted and rolled his eyes. “I’ll take what I can get.” And with that Ben turned down one fork in the sidewalk and walked away. Hux watched him go.

#

**[Ben]**

Ben sat in his study carrel, arms crossed, headphones on, and eyes on Hux. Like meditation, Ben had learned that listening to music quieted his brain enough that he wouldn’t project or perceive emotions as strongly through the bond. It was helpful for moments like this when Ben wanted his thoughts private but didn’t have anything to distract himself. Hux was sitting across from him, head down and lips moving silently as he studied.

Ben didn’t have anything he needed to study or any projects to complete. Ben could’ve stayed in his room but instead he had taken a novel from his shelf and joined Hux at the library. Three times a week they came to the library and sat like this and it had become part of Ben’s routine. It meant for the first time he was finishing work early instead of barely on time even though football season was keeping him busy. And the one time Ben had skipped their study session because of a headache, he lay in bed and felt out of place and guilty at the same time.

So here he was, sitting in the library when he didn’t have work to do, staring at Hux instead of his novel. It hadn’t been as awful being bonded to Hux as Ben had initially suspected. Feeling the emotions of a near-stranger had been intrusive to say the least, but the meditation was helping them avoid emotion spikes and instead keep the transference steady and manageable. Now with over a month of practice the bond felt more natural, and feeling Hux’s emotions in the back of his head was becoming second nature.

They hadn’t gone for drinks yet even though Hux had agreed to Ben’s conditional offer. Ben was more determined than ever to learn more about Hux now that they had adjusted and found some form of truce, but he didn’t want to force it. He had felt Hux’s anxiety when Ben initially suggested they all go out for drinks together, and that was when Ben truly realized there was a lot more to Hux than he had thought.

Still, Ben only possessed so much patience. He glanced at the clock on the wall and saw that it was only 8pm. Hux must’ve noticed him looking because Hux lifted his head and whispered something. Ben took off his headphones and raised an eyebrow. “I’m nearly done,” Hux said again.

Ben nodded and put his headphones back on. Silently he chided himself, wondering if he was a fool. Was Ben trying too hard to make a one-sided relationship work? Granted, Hux had made a significant effort to not be antagonistic anymore but he still didn’t seem interested in learning more about Ben or strengthening their bond.

He saw Hux packing up his textbook and notebook and took that as a sign that they could leave. Ben unplugged his headphones and shoved everything into his bag before following Hux out of the library. Hux had just begun walking back towards their residence buildings when Ben caught his elbow and pulled him in the opposite direction. “Ben, where are we going?”

“For drinks,” Ben said, making a flash decision.

Immediately he felt Hux digging in his heels. “But it’s a Thursday.”

“For one drink,” Ben amended, glancing over his shoulder in exasperation. “One drink won’t kill you and you’ve already made me wait a month.” Guilt leaked through the bond. Ben felt bad but was certain that if he didn’t push, this pattern would continue forever. Hux stopped fighting him and Ben let go of his elbow. They walked in step for two blocks before Ben started to fidget with the cuff of his sleeve. “Listen, Hux—”

“It’s okay, you’re right,” Hux spoke over him and ended the discussion.

The pub on campus was closer than any other option and when Ben saw that it wasn’t overly crowded he asked if Hux was okay with it and they got a table against the wall. A server came over and they both ordered a scotch on the rocks and Ben asked for a plate of fries for them to split. The server left and Ben shifted in his seat, uncomfortable with the silence between them and the nerves Hux was exuding.

“If you really hate it this much we can go,” Ben offered suddenly, ready to put down money for the food and drinks and walk Hux out of here. Ben’s goal had been to learn more about Hux and hopefully find some common ground for them to build a friendship beyond their tentative truce, not traumatize Hux by forcing him into a situation he despised.

Hux frowned and cocked his head slightly to one side as if trying to catch the melody of a whispered song. “Which emotion is that?” Hux asked him after a moment. “I’ve never felt you experience it before.”

Ben licked his lips, now feeling self-conscious. He didn’t really want to answer Hux’s question because it would make him vulnerable. But then Ben reminded himself that he wanted Hux to open himself up as well, and that required trust on both ends. “Protective, I guess.”

“Oh,” Hux sounded pleasantly surprised and a little burst of warmth vibrated through the bond into Ben’s brain. “Thank you. But I’m okay. I just tend to avoid crowds like this. A lot of people know me as my father’s son and that’s… not usually a good thing.”

Ben had to stop himself from gaping. All it had taken was making himself vulnerable for a moment and now Hux seemed willing to do the same. “I just figured you thought yourself above places like this.”

He felt a pang of hurt from Hux at the words but Hux said, “I suppose I deserve that. I know I act pretty stand-offish.”

“You think?” Ben teased.

Hux looked defensive until he saw Ben was smiling. Then he chuckled quietly. “Most people end up disliking me so I’ve just gotten into the habit of keeping to myself. It’s easier that way; safer too.”

“Maybe if you didn’t act so stand-offish people would like you more,” Ben suggested as the server delivered their drinks and fries.

Hux shrugged noncommittally and took a big swallow from his glass. “I’m not exactly a great person.” Ben could tell Hux believed that and wasn’t just being dramatic. He felt that swell of protectiveness build in him again and noticed Hux glancing up at him and then away in surprise. “I don’t deserve that.”

“You haven’t even given me a chance to decide that for myself,” Ben pointed out and took his own gulp of scotch.

“Well fine then,” Hux huffed. “What do you want to know?”

“You’re studying Business, right?” Hux nodded in answer. “How come? Do you like it?”

Hux munched on a fry as he eyed Ben across the table. “I like that I’m good at it but that’s about it. My father demands that I take over the family business someday so there isn’t much choice in the matter.”

“Couldn’t you just get a different job?” Ben wondered. Hux started drumming his fingers against the table top, and Ben spoke before he could consider the impact of his words. “Your dad gives you a lot of anxiety, doesn’t he?”

Instantly Hux’s fingers froze. “I don’t need you in my head, Ben,” Hux snapped.

“Alright, fine,” Ben said but silently pinned the topic up for later contemplation. A month ago Ben would’ve been miffed by Hux’s attitude and probably stormed off. Now with a bit more knowledge and familiarity, Ben surmised that Hux wasn’t angry at him but instead self-conscious and uneasy. Hux’s father was clearly a sore spot for his mate and while Ben hoped someday Hux would open up to him about it, tonight wasn’t the night.

Their table eclipsed into silence and Ben took another swallow of scotch for the burn down his throat. Hux restarted the nervous drumming of his fingers and eventually spoke up. “I never asked what you’re majoring in. All I know is that you play football and take Modern Mythology.”

“Football is fun but I mainly just do that for the scholarship,” Ben explained. “I’m pretty good at a lot of things but not amazing at anything, and I don’t know what I want to do when I graduate. Right now I’m doing a Fine Arts degree but taking some business on the side to hopefully figure out how to sell my stuff someday.”

Hux looked at him curiously. “You paint?”

“And draw,” Ben added and then weathered his bottom lip, wondering how vulnerable he was willing to make himself. “I uh… I sketched you once.”

“Oh?” Hux perked up but then his smile wavered. “Did you give me devil horns?”

Ben laughed. “No, of course not. I sketched it after we started studying together.” Another pulse of warmth came from Hux and Ben was happy he had been able to cause that. “I’ll bring my sketchbook to the library next time.”

“Okay.” Hux smiled and took two more fries.

Ben asked the next question on his mind. “If so many people dislike you then how did you meet your friend Phasma?”

Hux told Ben the story of being back in high school in his Introduction to Business course and this tall blond girl coming to sit next to him even though Hux had intentionally sat in the corner of the room away from everyone else. She was incredibly stubborn and wouldn’t go away even when Hux snapped at her or ignored her. Eventually Hux learned that Phasma was being teased by other students for being “freakishly tall”. “I don’t know why she decided I was her safe harbor,” Hux admitted at the end of the story. “But she did and once I understood she was just looking for a friend rather than trying to get an ‘in’ with my dad, I relaxed around her and we became friends to this day.”

In return Ben told Hux about his little cousin Rey and how she was like a bubbly ray of sunshine. As an only child Ben didn’t have many people to play with so he mostly grew up with Rey and while she could be annoying, she was also sweet and protective about her friends and family. “She’s one of the people I was going to bring to meet you,” Ben told Hux. “Along with her friends, who sort of became my friends, Poe and Finn.”

“You still want your friends to meet me?” Hux gave him a skeptical look.

“Now more than ever,” Ben told him despite his nerves at saying so.

Despite the somewhat dim lighting Ben caught Hux’s blush as Hux reached for his glass, which he discovered was empty. Ben looked down at his own glass to also find it empty. He hadn’t realized how much he was sipping while they talked about their friends.

“Let’s order another round,” Hux offered shyly.

“But it’s a Thursday,” Ben mocked Hux’s tone from earlier that evening and laughed.

Hux’s eyes narrowed even though he laughed too. “Oh, shut up.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay in the posting of this chapter. I intended to post it last weekend and had set up a draft, but my phone couldn't access the draft and I was away for the holiday weekend so alas. I hope you enjoy this chapter now that it's up, and the final chapter will be posted next week :)
> 
> **Warning: the "suicide attempt" tag relates to this chapter. The attempt is unsuccessful but still somewhat graphic. It takes place in the section with Ben's POV. If you would prefer details in advance, please see the End Notes.**

**[Hux]  
**

Hux was a bundle of nerves as he entered the bar. Final exams for the first semester were finished and Hux was heading home for the holidays the next afternoon. Hux knew it would be two weeks of hell, alone in the large house with his father and step-mother as Brendol tried to parade the vision of happy, successful family. That, combined with his relief at being done all of his exams, made Hux more susceptible to Ben’s pleading and he finally gave in to Ben’s request that all their friends meet. After all, they had been bonded for about two months already and Hux would say they were well on their way to a tentative friendship.

That was why Hux was so nervous. In terms of his friends, Hux didn’t trust Phasma or Mitaka not to say something embarrassing. And in terms of Ben’s friends, Hux feared he would be flat out despised. From what Ben had told him, they sounded pretty judgmental, and Hux didn’t have a lot to be proud about with his father’s shadow looming over him. Hux would admit, if only to himself, that he had grown to enjoy Ben’s company, and he worried that Ben’s friends would dislike him enough to put an end to that entirely.

Regardless, Ben had told Hux how important this was to him, and so Hux showed up. When he walked into the bar he felt out of place, alone because Phasma and Mitaka were running late, and more dressed up than usual. For reasons he didn’t want to analyze, Hux had pulled on his most form-fitting jeans, a white button-up and his favourite grey waistcoat. He had decided to skip the hair gel since his winter hat would just ruin his work en route. Hux peeled off his winter coat, shoved his hat in his sleeve, and hung the coat over one arm as he slowly walked into the crowd, looking for Ben and seeking their bond when Hux didn’t see him.

After a moment he felt a ping of recognition and Hux turned on his heel to find Ben just past a large group of students by the bar ordering drinks. Ben waved him over to a long table by the wall where Hux saw three strangers were already sitting, chatting among themselves. Ben was seated at the end of the table and Hux walked forward to take the chair next to him. But as he got close enough to see Ben fully, Hux was hit in the chest by a burst of lust from Ben that made him stumble to a stop.

Hux’s heart jumped into his throat but before he could even wonder if Ben’s reaction might be for him, a beautiful blond woman brushed past Hux’s shoulder and walked by Ben to her own table. Instantly Hux’s heart sank back down into the pit of his stomach. Of course Ben wasn’t looking at him. How stupid could Hux be?

Quickly Hux started walking again before Ben noticed something was amiss and sat down at the table. He was on Ben’s right with two empty seats saved for Hux’s friends, and Ben’s friends were seated in a line on Ben’s left side against the back wall. Hux could feel Ben’s eyes on him, perhaps trying to discern the emotional roller coaster Hux had just ridden in a split second, so Hux busied himself with sitting down and hanging his coat across the back of his chair.

“You must be Armitage, right?” the brunette woman seated at Ben’s left elbow asked him, leaning towards him with a frown that made Hux feel like he was being studied closely.

“Hux, please,” he corrected and held out a hand.

She seemed surprised by the gesture but shook his hand, and then the two men next to her also shook his hand. They introduced themselves in order as Rey, Finn and Poe. After shaking their hands Hux laced his fingers in his lap to avoid fidgeting and looked back at Rey, who was still staring at him. “I’m surprised you’d prefer to be known by your last name considering everything they say about your father.”

Anger, defensiveness and shame flared up inside Hux in a blink, as fast as a lit match catching gasoline. Hux was shocked that Ben’s reaction was almost as fast as he reached beneath the table to hold Hux’s hand in his own. It was such an unexpected gesture that it stalled Hux’s brain and momentarily derailed him from spitting his knee-jerk reply to Rey’s words and tone. He couldn’t believe it had taken less than a minute for this whole thing to go to shit. And if Ben didn’t already know all the rumours about Brendol, he certainly would know now. And how could Ben want to spend more time with Hux when he knew what Hux’s family was like? What sort of reputation the Hux family had?

Hux was further surprised when Ben was the one to speak up in his defense. “It’s not fair to judge someone by the actions of another, even their parents. _All of us_ at the table know that, don’t we Rey?” Ben’s hand was holding Hux’s so tightly it almost hurt but Hux couldn’t find the will to pull away. He couldn’t remember the last time he felt so protected and safe in his life. Hesitantly Hux placed his other hand on top of their twined hands.

“I’m just saying it’s odd that he would want to be known by his last name considering the Hux Industries reputation for ruthless, unfeeling activities,” Rey countered, shoulders hunched and jaw set.

“Well your tone could use some adjusting,” Ben warned. With the way their eyes were locked together Hux could believe Ben’s earlier stories of how they would fight like a cat and dog when they were younger despite their familial love. “I brought you all to meet my _soul mate_ , not his father, and you’re embarrassing me right now. You’re all better than this.”

Rey pursed her lips and then sighed, shoulders slumping. “You’re right,” she said, and finally glanced back Hux. “I’m sorry,” she apologized. Finn and Poe hadn’t said anything but they mumbled apologies too. “I just want to make sure Ben is happy.”

“What are you, my mother?” Ben huffed.

It looked like Rey and Ben were about to start bickering again so Hux spoke up quickly. “That’s all I want too.” The words rushed out of him before he considered their weight, and after he spoke they hung in the air. Everyone stared at him with slightly widened-eyes and Hux could feel Ben’s quick pulse with their palms squeezed together. Hux took a steadying breath and held his head high, confident in his intention if not his ability to successfully make Ben happy. “You can think what you want about me and my family but I’m here because it was important to Ben that I meet you all.”

“Sounds fair to me,” the man at the far end of the table, Poe, said with a smile and held up his pint glass in acknowledgement. “Now let’s get you a drink.”

Finn nodded his agreement and flagged down a passing server. Hux saw Rey was still staring at him but her gaze had softened; clearly Hux had given her a lot to think about. Hux felt Ben’s eyes on him too but Hux didn’t have the courage to read his expression and instead turned to the server to order a drink.

Hux expected Ben to pull his hand away now that the fight was over but he didn’t, and Hux couldn’t find a reason to withdraw. It was only a few minutes later when Phasma and Mitaka arrived that Hux let go of Ben’s hand to go greet them and lead them through the growing crowd to the table. Everyone sat down and was introduced, and when the server came back Phasma and Mitaka ordered their own drinks.

Beneath the table Hux felt Ben’s fingers brush against his hand questioningly. Trying to keep himself calm and ignore the quickening of his heart, Hux turned his hand over and let Ben lace their fingers together, their twined hands resting on Hux’s thigh out of sight. Hux glanced at Ben out of the corner of his eye but didn’t want to draw attention to themselves so he said nothing. It seemed like an odd gesture for them, but not for soul mates, and Hux decided Ben was probably still worried about him after the brief argument with Rey.

Once Phasma and Mitaka were settled in at the table there were enough people chatting that the sole focus of discussion was not Ben, Hux and their soul bond. It did come up, though the tone was lighter than Rey had initially started with. For the most part Ben and Hux’s friends seemed to find it incredibly hilarious that they were mated considering how different they were, but Hux was relieved that no one said it was a bad match or that Hux was bad for Ben. Now that Hux had Ben, he didn’t want to lose him.

They ordered food and more drinks, everyone happy to celebrate the end of classes and exams for the semester. After a few drinks Hux was feeling tipsy and warm and to his surprise he realized he was actually enjoying himself. It helped that he could feel how happy Ben was. However, Hux’s good mood veered sideways when everyone started abandoning the table in favour of the small dance floor tucked in one corner of the bar. Ben and Hux were the last two at the table, Ben standing and tugging on Hux’s hand.

“I don’t dance,” Hux stated firmly.

Ben leaned in until his warm breath ghosted over Hux’s ear. “It will make me happy.”

Hux glared at him. “You’re going to keep saying that now to get your way, aren’t you?”

Ben’s smile brushed Hux’s cheek as he pulled back and offered another tug to Hux’s hand. “Yes.”

With a loud sigh Hux finally relented, giving in to the warm alcohol in his stomach. The dance floor was small and already crowded and Ben led Hux to the edge of it rather than forcing him into the throng. Hux didn’t know what to do with himself so he let Ben place Hux’s hands on his shoulders before Ben settled his own hands on Hux’s hips. The position seemed a bit foolish, both of them looking like they were forced to dance at prom and wanted to keep space between them, but his tipsy haze swept away Hux’s concerns about how they looked and encouraged him to simply sway with the beat.

Hux had closed his eyes without thinking but they snapped open again when he felt another rush of lust from Ben. Trying to be subtle, Hux looked among the dancers for that same blond woman as before, this time recognizing that sinking feeling in his chest as jealousy. Hux was startled from his thoughts by Ben squeezing his hips and pulling them closer together to say in his ear, “I’m not looking at anyone else, Hux.” Hux flushed with embarrassment at being caught in his moment of jealousy and then felt irrationally angry at Ben for his statement. Ben frowned. “What, do you want me to apologize for not being blind?”

Hux moved a hand from Ben’s shoulder to his chest, intending to push Ben away but not following through. “Where is this coming from? You hate me,” Hux said, unable to believe that Ben’s lust was for him.

Ben lifted a hand and gently brushed a few loose strands of hair from Hux’s face. “Can I walk you home?” Ben asked uncertainly. “I can already feel your headache coming on and we can talk where it’s quieter.”

Despite his warring emotions, Hux nodded gratefully when he realized that he _did_ have a headache starting at the base of his skull. They returned to the table to pull on their coats and then left the bar when they couldn’t immediately find their friends in the crowd. Outside the bar it was quieter and Hux pulled out his phone to text his friends that he was heading home; Hux saw Ben doing the same.

Once the text messages were sent they started walking down the sidewalk in the direction of their residence buildings. Hux was still confused and embarrassed so it felt awkward walking with Ben in silence, yet Hux was certain it would’ve felt worse walking alone. By now Ben’s presence was a familiar and comforting one and Hux hoped that whatever had happened tonight wouldn’t ruin that. Tentatively Ben’s fingers brushed Hux’s hand but Hux withdrew quickly, no longer knowing what anything meant.

Hux could feel Ben’s frustration and nerves and Hux wanted to apologize but he didn’t know how to explain everything he was feeling. When they reached the point where the sidewalk broke in different directions, Hux kept walking but Ben grabbed his elbow to stop him. Hux was half-tempted to break the hold and run but he could feel Ben’s pain and his voice sounded broken when he said, “Please, can we talk about this?”

Hux took a deep breath and turned to face Ben’s sad eyes. “Okay.”

Hux had been expecting Ben to go back to the attraction Ben had felt for him, and the jealousy Hux had felt in return when he thought Ben was looking at someone else. Instead Ben said, “How could you possibly think I hate you?”

It took Hux a moment to focus through his tipsy haze and confusion. “I felt how unhappy you were when we both found out we were matched.”

“Yeah, two months ago when I didn’t know anything about you,” Ben reminded him. “But I’ve really enjoyed these last two months and… I thought you did too.”

“I… I did,” Hux admitted after a moment. “But what you said in the bar…”

“Look Hux,” Ben cut him off. “Whether you realize it or not, you’re gorgeous. Especially tonight. I nearly lost it when I first saw you walk up to the table but I was trying to not freak you out. I wanted to take you to bed the moment I saw you,” Ben admitted and Hux felt Ben’s certainty through the bond. “And now, after getting to know you better, I want to kiss you too.”

“What happened to keeping things platonic?” Hux whispered.

“I had hoped you might feel the same as me,” Ben told him quietly. “I mean, I felt you getting jealous when you thought I was looking at that woman. And you let me hold your hand.”

“I…” Hux trailed off. It was true that over the last two months he had grown closer to Ben, and had come to like him as Hux learned more about him. And yes, Hux had always found Ben attractive and now wondered idly at times what it would feel like to have Ben press him down against one of their beds. But he was scared. What if they pursued this and then Hux ruined it in some way and made Ben truly hate him for the rest of their miserably-bonded lives? Hux wasn’t good at relationships; too harsh, too logical, too selfish.

“What has you so scared?” Ben asked him, able to sense Hux’s emotions but not the thoughts behind them. Ben was frowning but with concern rather than anger. Hux didn’t deserve a soul mate like Ben.

“I’ll disappoint you,” Hux muttered.

“I’m not asking for perfection, Hux,” Ben told him. “You and I both know this isn’t a simple fairytale like the books say. I’m just asking for you to give us a chance, like you did when you suggested study dates.”

“Can I think about it over the holiday break?” Hux hedged.

“Yeah, okay,” Ben agreed. Ben stuffed his hands in his pockets and offered Hux a weak smile, even though Hux could still feel the tang of his disappointment. “I’ll let you go.”

Hux knew Ben was talking about letting Hux go inside the residence building and out of the cold but the words sent a streak of anxiety through him. Momentarily setting his self-consciousness aside, Hux wrapped Ben in a tight hug. “Don’t let me go.”

Ben quickly hugged Hux back, holding him against Ben’s warm chest. “After the holidays we’ll figure it out, okay?” Hux nodded and melted when Ben pressed a kiss to Hux’s forehead. “Get home safe,” Ben said as he broke the hug.

Hux was comforted by Ben’s sense of longing. “You too. I’ll text you,” he added, confidence briefly bolstered.

Ben’s smile turned wide and genuine. “You better.”

#

**[Ben]**

Ben bounced his knee under the desk, impatiently waiting for his lecture to end. It was the first day back after the holiday break and he hadn’t seen Hux for over two weeks since their last conversation. Despite Hux’s promise to text Ben, his messages were few and far between during the holidays. Ben hadn’t pried because he had sensed the near-constant feeling of anxiety or frustration coming from Hux through the bond, no doubt reacting to a less-than-ideal family situation. Ben could relate to that and he decided it was better to talk about everything in person rather than over text anyway.

He didn’t even know Hux’s schedule for the new semester but Ben was determined to go to Hux’s residence room and either demand to see him or wait in the lobby until Hux showed up. Besides Ben’s anticipation at following up on their conversation about their feelings, Hux’s emotions had also felt melancholy and muted all day and Ben was worried. Subtly Ben glanced at the clock on the wall; less than two hours and he could leave.

Suddenly Ben felt a phantom streak of pain along one of his wrists, and then on the other wrist. It hurt badly enough that Ben yanked up his sleeve to make sure his skin was unmarked. And then while Ben was brushing a thumb over his smooth skin in confusion, he felt an all-consuming thought of sadness and determination before the distinct presence of Hux through the bond began to fade.

On instinct Ben slammed his laptop closed and shoved it into his bag, scrambling to his feet to yank on his jacket. “Mr. Solo, what is the meaning of this outburst?” the professor scolded, the rest of the class already staring at him with wide, judging eyes.

“My soul mate is in trouble,” Ben stated firmly and fled the room, uncaring of what anyone in the lecture hall thought of him or his behavior.

At a sprint Ben crossed campus to Hux’s residence building, throat raw from the cold air he was breathing in with shallow, hurried gasps. Ben fumbled his phone out of his pocket and texted Hux and then called him, but he got Hux’s voicemail three times before he gave up. Every minute that passed by had Ben running faster, terrified of the way he was losing his sense of the bond by the minute.

In the lobby of Hux’s residence building there was a security guard, who half-stood out of his chair looking ready for a fight when Ben rushed in. “What’s going on?” the older man asked as Ben stopped in front of the security desk and placed both hands on his knees, heaving for breath.

“Armi—” Ben wheezed. “Armitage H-Hux. Soul mate. What’s his room number?”

When Ben looked up he saw the suspicious look the guard was giving him. “There are no unescorted guests allowed in the residence rooms. Nor am I allowed to divulge room numbers of residents.”

“I’m a student; his soul mate,” Ben argued. He finally stood straight even though his heart was still hammering against his ribcage. “Please, even if you won’t tell me the room number you need to call 911.”

The guard crossed his arms and sat back in his chair. “If this is some prank let me tell you—”

The echo of pain at the back of Ben’s mind started to flicker like the flame of a candle buffered by the wind. Tears began to stream down Ben’s cheeks. “ _Please_ believe me. He’s dying.”

The tears were enough to give the guard second thoughts and hesitantly he grabbed a ring of keys from the desk drawer. “Follow me. But know that if this is fake, I’ll be calling the police on _you_ instead.” Ben nodded and stumbled after the guard, wiping away his tears with the back of one sleeve. They took the stairs much to Ben’s relief and on the second floor the guard approached one of the doors – 207 – and knocked. There was no response. Ben started to sob and pressed a hand to the wall, wishing he could claw his way through to get to Hux as the bond grew dimmer.

“Stay out here,” the guard told him before slotting a key into the door and unlocking it. “Mr. Hux?” the guard called out as he slowly entered the room, looking around for the room’s owner. It took all of Ben’s self-control to remain in the hallway, weight shifting from one foot to the other as he waited. Then he heard a quiet “ _shit_ ” and Ben couldn’t hold back any longer.

The guard was standing just outside the open bathroom door, phone to his ear as he called 911. As Ben rushed closer the guard tried to grab him and hold him back but he was too slow and Ben’s eyes filled with the horrible sight awaiting him. Hux was in the most expensive residence building so each student had their own bathroom. Hux was in his bathtub in pants but no shirt, water up to his chest and bright red with blood. Hux’s skin was deadly pale and his head was leaning back on the tile, eyes closed. He looked dead, and though the bond confirmed Hux was _not_ dead, Ben could tell that could change very soon.

“Oh my god, oh my god,” Ben whispered brokenly and stumbled forward, dipping his arms into the tub’s water without a care about the blood and gently hoisting Hux out of the water and over the lip of the tub. Hux was dead weight as Ben settled Hux into his lap, body slumped against Ben’s chest as warm water and blood soaked Ben’s pants. With trembling hands Ben yanked both towels from the rack hanging over his head and wrapped them around Hux’s wrists, trying to stem the flow of blood.

Hux whimpered as pain flashed through the bond and Ben pressed a kiss to Hux’s damp temple. “Stay with me, Hux. Oh god, please, stay with me.”

“Ben…?” Hux whispered weakly.

“I’m here,” Ben promised, desperate to keep Hux conscious until help arrived. “Talk to me, please.” Hux merely leaned his head back against Ben’s shoulder and sighed a heavy, tired exhale as his eyes closed. Ben started to sob and cradled Hux closer, keeping up the pressure on Hux’s cut forearms and trying to share body heat.

Ben hadn’t noticed when the security guard left but a few minutes later he led two paramedics into the tiny bathroom with a stretcher. Ben was forced to let go as the paramedics maneuvered Hux onto the stretcher, muttering between them about cleaning and bandaging the wounds in the ambulance. “Wait! Please let me come with him,” Ben begged as he scrambled to his feet when he saw the paramedics hoist the stretcher and begin to leave. “I’m his soul mate.”

They looked back at him with a blend of impatience and sympathy. “I’m sorry but there’s no room in the ambulance and we don’t have time to argue about it. Pack some clothes for him and for yourself and then take a taxi to the downtown hospital. You’ll be directed from there.”

With that they left and Ben stood shaking and traumatized in Hux’s bloody bathroom. All at once the agony, the heartbreak and the adrenaline combined into a vicious cocktail that had Ben crouching over the toilet puking. After he was done Ben flushed the toilet and forced himself through the motions of washing his hands, mouth and forearms. His clothes would need to be thrown out, stained with blood, but he couldn’t do that until he got back to his own room and got a new outfit.

Ben hadn’t realized the residence guard was still hovering in the bathroom doorway awkwardly. “We’ll handle the cleanup,” he told Ben. “Just pack what the boy needs at the hospital and leave the rest to us.”

Numbly Ben nodded. He was about to leave the bathroom to go find a suitable bag when he noticed an envelope set against the wall on the counter. On one side Hux had written _Ben Solo_ in neat handwriting. Realizing what it was nearly had Ben hunched over the toilet again but instead he told himself to get to the hospital as soon as possible and carefully picked up the envelope in his dry fingers for later.

He found a small duffel bag under Hux’s bed and filled it with a few changes of clothes, a book from Hux’s bedside table, his phone and his charger. After that the guard let him go and Ben rushed back to his own residence room, ignoring the horrified and curious looks a few students gave him as he passed. In his room Ben shed his wet, bloody clothes into a garbage bag and changed into clean clothes. He then filled his own duffel with clothes, his phone, his laptop, and his charger, and started dialing a taxi service before he was fully out the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Detailed warning: Ben feels Hux fading through the bond and finds Hux with his wrists cut and submerged in his dorm bathtub. Ben gets Hux, who is semi-conscious, out of the water and puts towels on his arms until the ambulance arrives. After Hux is taken to the hospital, Ben discovers a suicide note Hux wrote for him.**


	6. Chapter 6

**[Hux]**

The sunlight streaming through the windows felt like needles pricking his eyes as Hux slowly woke up. Hux's thoughts were sluggish, his brain fuzzy, and he didn’t know where he was. Eventually Hux forced his eyes open and he found himself in a small room painted white, in a bed he didn’t recognize. In fact, the only thing Hux _did_ recognize was his soul mate, Ben, who was seated in a chair with his head and arms on the mattress near Hux’s knee, sleeping.

Everything came back to Hux slowly, and then all at once. He remembered how excited and nervous he had been before the holiday break when Ben asked him to consider taking their relationship to the next level. Next Hux remembered his ongoing and mounting fears that he would somehow screw everything up and make Ben hate him for the rest of their lives. After that came the memories of the holiday break and the daily underhanded comments from his father that made Hux increasingly certain that Ben deserved someone so much better than him as a soul mate, and that it wasn’t fair for Ben to be tied to him the way he was.

Hux had started to love Ben over the last few months when they got to know each other, and it was because Hux loved Ben that he knew something needed to be done. For once, Hux couldn’t be selfish and drag Ben down with him. Hux had spent the holidays in a depressed but increasingly-determined slump until the solution came to him: bonds were severed by death. Hux couldn’t do it at home though because he needed Ben to know that Hux was doing this for him, and Hux knew his father would never pass along a message like that to Ben after Hux died.

So Hux had waited until he got back to campus, wrote a letter explaining things to Ben the best he could, and then Hux steeled his courage. He hadn’t meant for Ben to see him like that, but Hux remembered now that it was Ben who pulled Hux out of the water and tried to stop the bleeding. Guilt chewed at Hux’s insides with such hunger that Hux covered his face with his hands and began to cry, ignoring the pain of his bandaged wrists from the movement.

Either his crying or emotions must’ve jostled Ben because Hux felt him shifting and heard the groan of the chair cushion as Ben sat back. The next moment Ben’s arms were wrapped tightly around Hux and they were crying together. “Armi, what the fuck?” Ben whispered quietly.

“I’m sorry,” Hux sobbed. “I can’t even kill myself properly.”

Ben leaned back and through eyes blurred by tears Hux saw how angry Ben looked. Hux thought Ben might slap him, but he didn’t. “That is _not_ the problem. I read your letter, by the way.” Ben’s voice was tight as he snatched the letter from where it was half crumpled on the chair. “And I’m starting to question your intelligence because everything you wrote is wrong.”

“Ben—”

Ben sent him a quieting look and Hux bit his lip. “Dear Ben,” he began to recite. “I don’t know what to say other than _I’m sorry_. You deserved to be mated with someone far better than myself – _wrong_ ,” Ben hissed, eyes lingering on Hux’s face before turning back to the letter. “I know before the holidays you were excited to explore our relationship and I don’t want to hurt you but I fear not following this route will make you unhappier in the long run – _wrong_. I will just disappoint you because I can’t make you happy – _wrong_.” This time Ben’s voice wobbled and Hux saw he was beginning to cry anew. “I believe this is for the best and I hope despite the temporary pain this may cause, it will lead to a happier future for you. Yours, Armitage Hux.”

Ben gingerly set the letter back onto the chair and stood beside the bed, crying silently with his arms crossed. “I’m sorry,” Hux whispered again.

“ _Why_?” Ben demanded. “Why are you sorry?”

Hux answered with the only thing he knew with absolute certainty. “I’m sorry I hurt you.”

Without a word Ben crawled onto the bed and straddled Hux’s thighs. Ben cupped Hux’s cheeks between his palms and pressed their foreheads together, gentle but insistent with the warm pressure. “This is what it felt like when I thought I lost you.”

Although they couldn’t transfer direct thoughts or images, Hux felt every second of raw emotion from the moment Ben realized Hux was in trouble until Hux rested his forehead on Ben’s shoulder and passed out in his lap. It was wave after wave of adrenaline, despair, heartbreak and guilt.

“And this is when I got to see you after they fixed your wrists and told me you would recover,” Ben told him. This time Hux felt relief, elation and hope, so potent that he laughed with it through his tears. Ben kissed Hux’s forehead and whispered, “Do you understand?”

“Yes,” Hux answered and wrapped his arms gingerly around Ben. His wrists were throbbing in pain with every movement but Hux needed to hug Ben close in that moment, for their bodies to be pressed together and feel the way their heartbeats aligned. Ben’s hope was still inside Hux, making him feel lighter than air, and Hux tentatively asked, “And you still want me even after I hurt you like this?”

“Of course,” Ben confirmed, sitting back just enough for their eyes to meet. “I can feel everything you’re feeling so of course I understand. But I plan to spend every day trying to make sure you never again feel like suicide is the solution.”

“What if I can’t help thinking about it? I’m not perfect,” Hux hedged.

“What would I do with someone who’s perfect when I’m such a mess myself?” Ben wondered aloud. “You can’t always control your thoughts. I just want you to talk to me – or _someone_ – if those thoughts come back, okay? And don’t for a second let yourself believe I’d be better off without you because I wouldn’t be and that’s the truth.”

“Okay,” Hux agreed. He was still scared that he would let Ben down, and tired at the mere thought of recovering both physically and mentally from this whole ordeal. But Hux was determined to put in the effort to make this work because he could feel how much Ben believed in him, and how much Ben cared about him.

Ben cupped Hux’s chin with one hand and tilted his face up. “Do you promise?”

“I promise.”

Hux felt a flutter of arousal when he thought Ben was going to kiss him, and then disappointment when he didn’t. Ben chuckled and Hux blushed. “Do you want me to kiss you?” Ben teased lightly.

“A little bit,” Hux confessed, acknowledging his desire despite his nerves. Truthfully he had wrestled with his longing to kiss Ben the whole time he was home for the holidays with his miserable, heartless father.

Ben brushed his lips along Hux’s jaw first, making him shiver, and then gently covered Hux’s lips with his own. It wasn’t the first kiss Hux had received but it was certainly the warmest; the one filled with the most care and passion. Hux leaned into it and felt his body melt when Ben kissed him again after tilting his head to deepen the angle. Hux lifted both hands to dig his fingers into Ben’s hair but gasped with pain when he felt the stitches in his forearms pull.

Ben pulled back quickly, eyes sharp with worry. Hux tucked his forearms against his stomach, half because of the pain and half due to frustration at himself for ruining their first kiss. Ben carefully scooped Hux’s forearms into his palms, holding them aloft as he touched very light kisses to each bandage. “We’ll do more once you’re out of here, okay?”

“Promise?” Hux asked even though he already felt the surge of desire from Ben through the bond; something he cherished now that he realized it allowed Ben to truly understand Hux the way no one else in the world ever would.

Ben gave a quick peck to Hux’s lips and Hux could feel the curve of his smile. “Promise.”

#

**[Epilogue – Ben]**

“Say cheese!”

“How many more pictures is your mother going to insist on?” Hux whispered under his breath before offering a practiced business smile.

The camera flashed and Leia looked at the screen to see if she was satisfied with the resulting picture. “There’s no way of knowing,” Ben answered just as quietly.

Ben and Hux had already taken a seemingly endless number of photos with their friends – Poe, Finn, Rey, Phasma and Mitaka – who were now standing off to the side while Leia took photos of Ben and Hux alone. It was a typical June day and the sun was warm. Hux had a long-sleeved shirt on beneath his graduation robes, still self-conscious about his scars, but he didn’t make any complaint about the heat.

Hux’s father had attended the ceremony and shaken Hux’s hand afterward but left shortly thereafter. Ben knew Brendol was still uncomfortable with his son being bonded to another man, but Hux had made it clear that it was Brendol’s problem and not his. Thankfully Ben’s family had been more open and welcoming, not entirely understanding how standoffish Hux could be when he was anxious but not taking offence either.

Finally Leia was finished and she sheathed her camera. She had already given everyone a hug and Han, who was standing by her elbow, had already shaken everyone’s hand. It was time for them to part ways; Leia and Han would begin the two hour drive home and Ben and Hux would go out with their friends for a celebration dinner and drinks. Everyone handed their robes back to the school administration and then walked the fifteen minutes to the apartment Ben and Hux had rented after the school year ended; thankfully Phasma and Rey had both worn flats with their dresses.

In the apartment everyone piled their packaged diplomas on the coffee table and took a few minutes to relax or use the washroom before their next fifteen minute walk downtown to the restaurant Hux had booked reservations at for the group. Ben noticed Hux disappearing into their bedroom and subtly trailed his mate, struggling to tease apart the various emotions bombarding Hux in that moment.

When the door closed behind him the chatter and laughter of their friends became muffled and they were alone in their own universe. Hux had unbuttoned his cuffs and rolled them up, looking at his scarred forearms in the mirror they had propped against a wall. Ben walked up behind Hux and wrapped his arms around Hux’s middle, pulling him back against Ben’s chest. He dropped a kiss to Hux’s warm neck and then rested his chin on Hux’s shoulder to watch them both in the mirror.

“Today wouldn’t have been the same without you,” Ben told Hux seriously.

Hux offered a small smile in their reflection. “I’m happy, I promise. It’s just a lot.”

Ben nodded his understanding. He knew Hux was still deliberating on if he would turn down Brendol’s expectation for Hux to take over the family business next year, and how he would tell his father if that’s what he decided. For now at least they had an apartment together and summer jobs; Hux at a nearby bank and Ben running an art camp on campus for children in the community.

“I hate these scars,” Hux said, not for the first time. “I hate having to hide them.”

Ben knew Hux had told Phasma a few weeks after he was released from the hospital about the suicide attempt but no one else knew. “You don’t have to,” Ben reminded Hux but without any pressure behind the words.

“Someday, maybe,” Hux sighed. “But I’m not ready yet.”

“That’s okay.” Ben kissed Hux’s shoulder. “Do you want to stay in?”

Only then did Hux withdraw from Ben’s embrace, shaking his head and rolling his sleeves back down. “No; it will be good to see our friends. As long as you don’t forget your promise for when we’re home.”

“How could I forget?” Ben smirked, glancing meaningfully over at their bed.

Hux laughed, arousal and contentment bubbling up inside him and spilling over through the bond into Ben. It made Ben catch Hux’s arm before he could leave the room to kiss him deeply, not to start something but just to remind Hux of how wonderful he was, and then they left the bedroom to collect their friends and walk to dinner.

The restaurant was packed with other graduating students and their families and friends. Everyone praised Hux for thinking to make a reservation as they were led to a table and handed menus. Finn, Poe and Rey talked at length about the trip they were planning to Europe. Phasma spoke briefly about her work with one of the university’s psychology labs on campus and Mitaka explained he was thinking of starting a Master's degree the following year. Everyone had been busy adjusting and settling after they graduated in April so it was nice to have everyone at the same table chatting and catching up.

After dinner everyone returned back to Ben and Hux’s apartment to drink and watch a movie, hugging and sharing farewells to return home afterward. At last near 10pm Ben and Hux were alone in the apartment and when Hux began trying to do the dishes, Ben caught his hand and pulled him into the bedroom. “Are you feeling okay?”

“I only had one drink,” Hux reminded him between kisses. “You’re the one who had three.”

It was true that Ben felt a bit tipsy but it only heightened his desire as he led Hux down onto the mattress and straddled him. “You don’t mind that I’m tipsy?”

Hux shook his head and together they stripped off their clothes. Ben grabbed the lube and a condom from the bedside table and set it on the mattress before moving to kneel between Hux’s legs. Hux grabbed his ankle and instead pulled him up the bed and Ben relented, getting into a position where he could suck on Hux’s cock while his own cock hung near Hux’s face. It didn’t take long for Hux to get hard with Ben’s mouth around him, especially when Ben lubed up a finger and started thrusting it into Hux’s body to stretch him. The challenge was for Ben to control the movement of his own hips as Hux stroked him to full hardness and then wrapped his lips around the head of Ben’s cock.

None of this was new between them but it felt as wonderful as the first time they had done it. In January they had focused on Hux’s physical and emotional healing and only started to explore the new aspects of their relationship after midterms. Ben hadn’t minded the delay, happy to simply spend time with Hux to talk and grow closer both in the hospital and after he was released a week later. But admittedly by early March when Hux wrapped his arms around Ben’s neck and pulled Ben down on top of him on the residence bed, Ben was ready.

By the time Ben had three lubed fingers in Hux’s ass, Hux was squirming beneath him and panting against Ben’s cock, begging for him to hurry up. Ben withdrew his fingers, wiping them off against his hip as he moved between Hux’s legs and grabbed the condom. With the condom on Ben coated himself in more lube and then lined himself up with Hux’s slick hole using one hand. Their eyes met and Ben didn’t need to ask aloud to feel through the bond that Hux was ready, so without a word Ben slowly sank in until his balls were against Hux’s ass.

“Fuck you feel so good,” Ben told Hux with a groan, grinding against Hux’s ass because he couldn’t help himself. He felt the familiar flutter of relief and arousal Hux always got when Ben praised him like this and Ben leaned over Hux so their eyes could meet. “I love being inside you.”

A whine clawed up Hux’s throat and he angled his hips upward, trying blatantly to take Ben deeper. It felt so good that Ben pulled back and thrust in harder, giving Hux what he wanted. Ben leaned back and hooked his hands beneath Hux’s hips, changing the angle as he began fucking Hux hard and deep. It didn’t take him long to find Hux’s prostate, startling a pleasured cry from Hux’s lips, and Ben did his best to hit that spot repeatedly.

Hux writhed on the mattress, legs splayed over Ben’s thighs and hands fisting the sheets. Their bond didn’t make Ben a mind reader but it did give him a hint each time he did something that made Hux’s toes curl, making it easier for Ben to refine his movements and drive Hux out of his mind with pleasure. There was nothing Hux needed to do to get Ben off, his body already clenching around him on each thrust, but Hux still liked to rut down to make each thrust deeper just to turn them both breathless.

When Ben could feel Hux getting closer he lowered Hux back down and wrapped a hand around Hux’s cock. His fingers slipped through sticky precome as Ben jerked Hux in time with his frantic thrusts, overwhelmed by their combined arousal mounting through the bond. At last when Ben couldn’t hold on any longer he thrust one final time as deep into Hux’s body as he could manage and came into the condom with a long groan. Hux knocked his hand away and stroked himself tightly a few times until he came across his own stomach before Ben’s orgasm had even finished.

It took them a few minutes to stop trembling and to catch their breath. Only then did Ben gingerly pull his softening cock out of Hux’s body and tie off the condom before collapsing onto the mattress. Hux rolled over and threw an arm around Ben’s waist, keeping him close while Ben settled the blankets around them. Ben sensed a wave of relief and sadness from Hux and rolled over so that they were face to face. He cupped Hux’s cheek and kissed him softly, brushing away Hux’s tears without words.

“I’m okay,” Hux told him after the kiss.

“I know you are,” Ben said, thumb still caressing Hux’s damp cheek.

“I just can’t believe I almost gave this up.”

Ben held him closer and kissed Hux’s brow. “You’re here and we’re together. Try to focus on that.”

Hux sniffled and nodded. “I love you.”

Ben’s heart skipped a beat. He had felt it from Hux many times, as he was sure Hux had felt in return, but they had never actually said the words. “I love you too,” Ben answered, no easier statement in the world to say when he was so certain.

They shared another kiss and then Hux tucked himself against Ben’s chest, closing his eyes and releasing a contented sigh. Ben held him close and pressed his nose against Hux’s hair which was thankfully free of gel for a change. He couldn’t believe so much had changed in the span of one school year and there was still so much to figure out for their futures: where they would live; what they would do for work or study next; if they wanted to start a family. But Ben didn’t feel daunted when he knew that Hux would be there by his side, both of them in love and together.

With that thought Ben placed one final kiss on Hux’s head and then closed his eyes to sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on: [Tumblr](http://onewhositswiththeturtles.tumblr.com/), [Pillowfort](https://www.pillowfort.io/onewhositswiththeturtles), or [Twitter](https://twitter.com/owswtt)


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